Since I am the resident Mommy on the Internet, people like to send me bits of Mommyhood Wisdom. Many thanx go to my friends Irish, Bonanza and Queenie for sharing these funny mommyisms! *hugs guys*
- What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
- What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
- Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
- 1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
- A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
- Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
- BED AND BREAKFAST:
- Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
- Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
- CAR POOL:
- Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
- Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
- 1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
2) Mom's other name.
- COUCH POTATO:
- What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
- Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
- DRINKING GLASS:
- Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
- Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
- DUST RAGS:
- See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
- A place where kids store dirt.
- What kids do between meals, but not at them.
- EMPTY NEST:
- See "WISHFUL THINKING."
- Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
- "EXCUSE ME":
- One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
- The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
- A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
- The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
- 1) A type of food.
2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
- A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
- Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
- Adhesive for the hair.
- A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
- Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
- Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
- What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
- HOMEMADE BREAD:
- An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
DEFINITIONS FOR EVERYDAY PARENTS
- Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
- One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
- FAMILY PLANNING:
- The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
- The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
- FULL NAME:
- What you call your child when you're mad at him.
- The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
- What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
- A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
- How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
- The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
- When your life was still somewhat your own.
- A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
- SHOW OFF:
- A child who is more talented than yours.
- What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
- TOP BUNK:
- Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
- TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
- When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
- Able to whine in words.
- None of the kids that live in your house.
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done:
- Do it yourself.
- Hire someone to do it.
- Forbid your kids to do it.
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
Children Speak to God
"Unless you have the faith of little children, you will
not enter the kingdom of heaven."
In school they told us what You do.
Who does it when You are on vacation?
I read the Bible. What does begat mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his bowling words in the house?
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that
or was it an accident?
Instead of letting people die and having to make
new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
Who draws the lines around the countries?
I went to this wedding, and they
kissed right in church. Is that okay?
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought
You had everything.
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do
unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going
to fix my brother.
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I
prayed for was a puppy.
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about You that people are not
supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
-Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed
to be our day of rest.
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You
can look it up.
If we come back as something-please don't let me be
Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you
anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not
with so much hair all over.
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody
in the whole world. There are only 4 people in
our family and I can never do it.
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
They're just kidding, aren't they?
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show
You my new shoes.
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You
did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
The bad people laughed at Noah--"You made an ark on dry land you
fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I
just want You to know but I am not just saying that
because You are GOD already.
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the
sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
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