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Since I am the resident Mommy on the Internet, people like to send me bits of Mommyhood Wisdom. Many thanx go to my friends Irish, Bonanza and Queenie for sharing these funny mommyisms! *hugs guys*

MOM'S DICTIONARY

AIRPLANE:
What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
ALIEN:
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE:
Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM:
A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
"BECAUSE":
Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST:
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET:
Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL:
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
CHINA:
Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK:
1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
2) Mom's other name.
COUCH POTATO:
What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE:
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS:
Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST:
Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS:
See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR:
A place where kids store dirt.
EAT:
What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST:
See "WISHFUL THINKING."
ENERGY:
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME":
One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE:
The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE:
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD:
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
FROZEN:
1) A type of food.
2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GARBAGE:
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES:
Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
GUM:
Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER:
A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES:
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS:
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT:
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
HOMEMADE BREAD:
An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

DEFINITIONS FOR EVERYDAY PARENTS

AMNESIA:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL:
When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF:
A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL:
Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT:
None of the kids that live in your house.

PARENTAL OBSERVATIONS

Children Speak to God

"Unless you have the faith of little children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven."
-Matthew 18:3

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding, and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-"Mollie"

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
-Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something-please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
-Marsha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah--"You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
-Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
-Eugene

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